Trust
by Kyla1
Summary: After Kathryn gets amnesia there's only one person she'll trust, (j/c)
1. Gaining trust

Disclaimer: IT's mine! Wait this is real life isn't it? Damn, not mine  
  
Feedback: PLEASE  
  
Summary: After Kathryn gets amnesia there's only one person she'll trust, J/C  
  
Trust:  
  
The ship rocked under the repeated blasts.  
"Report!" Kathryn Janeway struggled to keep her balance.  
"Shields down to 42%," Tuvok worked quickly, "We have a breach in deck 5,"  
"Contain it!" Captain Janeway clung to her seat,   
"We have reports of casualties from engineering," Tuvok held on,  
"Mr. Paris, release torpedoes," They saw the two torpedoes shoot out from the belly of the ship.  
"We have disabled their core engines." Tom reported.  
"Maybe that will distract them, get us out of here!" As Voyager lurched forward the attacking ship shot at them. The bridge was hit full on, unprepared for the blast Kathryn was shot out of her seat to the floor colliding with Chakotay, she stood up quickly.  
"Chakotay, are you…" Another jolt rocked the bridge, Kathryn was catapulted forward. Her head hit the edge of the console with a bang and she sank to the floor, everyone went black.   
  
A bright light pierced Kathryn's eyelids, she moved her head irritably, a dark shape hovered above her.  
"She's regaining consciousness!" Kathryn opened her eyes blinking rapidly. A face swam into view.  
"She's got a slight concussion but apart from that she should be fine." Kathryn started trying to focus, everything shifted into view, she was lying in a strange room with bright lights. The face came back again.  
"How are you feeling Captain?" Kathryn jolted upright.  
"Who the hell are you?" she stared wildly around the room, "Where am I?" Another strange figure came up to her and placed a hand on her arm.  
"It's okay Kathryn, you're on Voyager, you hit your head remember?" Kathryn yanked her arm away.  
"I don't know what you're talking about, what's Voyager?" Chakotay looked at the doctor worry etched into his face. The doctor walked up to the bedside.  
"It's okay," He said in soothing tones, "You just hit your head, can you remember your name?" Kathryn frowned.  
"Yes it's," She paused and searched her memory banks wildly, "I can't remember!" She shot the doctor a panicked look, "Why can't I remember?" Chakotay pushed his way forwards.  
"Do you remember who I am?" Kathryn shook her head.  
"I've never seen you before in my life." Chakotay backed away from the bed, Kathryn looked around again. "What's going on? What am I doing here? Why can't I remember my name? Please help me." The doctor approached her again.  
"It's okay, we'll answer all of your questions. First I just want you to lie still, I'm going to give you something to help you sleep." Kathryn suddenly felt the doctor pressing something into the back of her neck, then she felt blackness sweeping over her again and she rested her head back down.   
  
Chakotay watched Kathryn fall back into oblivion, he watched her sleeping form unbelievingly   
"She doesn't remember anything." He shook his head in despair. "I thought you said she was going to be okay?" He rounded on the doctor.  
"Well health wise she is fine, it appears she is suffering from amnesia."  
"Well is there anything you can do?" Chakotay asked.  
"I'm afraid not," The doctor tapped his padd, "Cases like this usually regain their memory by themselves, there is nothing I can do to help the process. My suggestion is surround her with familiar things, things close to her, and usually the patient will find their memories come back to them gradually."   
"How long will it take?" Chakotay was trying to organise things in his head, he would need to rearrange shifts, look after Kathryn.  
"It depends," The doctor told him uncomfortably, "Sometimes it can last a few days, sometimes…"  
"Sometimes what?"   
"It has been known, in very rare cases, to last a few years."  
"Years!" Chakotay jerked upright. "Are you telling me she could stay like this for years!"  
"It's a very unlikely scenario," The doctor said curtly, "Hopefully it won't come to that."  
"What should I do then?"  
"I think you should be here when she wakes up, you are the closest to Captain Janeway aboard this ship, I think it's best if you explain it to her." Chakotay nodded.  
"Give me a few minutes to explain things to the crew then I'll come back down again." Chakotay turned and left.  
  
Chakotay walked into bridge, everyone's head immediately swivelled round meet him.  
"How's Captain Janeway?" Harry looked up from his console.  
"I'm afraid it's bad news." A wave of whispers swept the bridge, Tom glanced worriedly at Harry then fixed back on Chakotay. Chakotay waited patiently for the whispers to subside.  
"Physically Captain Janeway is fine, unfortunately she has got amnesia." A few gasps omitted from areas of the bridge.  
"How bad is it?" Tom asked in concern,  
"Quite bad," Chakotay swallowed, "She, she can't remember her name." They all looked at each other, their eyes and lips registering the shock Chakotay felt.   
"I will be giving control of bridge to Tuvok, I am relieving myself of duty until such time as Captain Janeway is of full health again." Chakotay paused and looked at them all. "The doctor thinks that maybe her memory will be jogged if she is surrounded by familiar faces and personal things, so I would ask all those who consider Captain Janeway a close and personal friend to please come and see her." Nearly everybody nodded, Chakotay felt a lump in his throat. He left to the sound of worried chatter, then heard he Tuvok.  
"Mr Paris, will you please concentrate on where we are going and not crashing."  
  
Kathryn felt herself being dragged into consciousness again, she didn't want to go back and tried to shut her eyes more tightly but inevitably she ended up opening them. She was still in the bright place she didn't recognise, she sighed in exasperation and stretched, there was a man sitting at the bottom of her bed, she recognised him from earlier. 'well at least something is familiar,' she thought to herself. The man stood up and leant towards her.  
"No, before you ask, I don't remember you, I don't know where I am, and I sure as hell don't know my name." She told him irritably. He sat back down again and stared at her for a bit. Kathryn sat up.  
"Okay, I feel a bit less panicked now so let's start from the beginning." Her eyes bored into Chakotay as he nodded.  
"Okay then, One, what is my name?"  
"Kathryn Janeway," Chakotay spoke slowly, silently begging her to remember. Her face screwed up.  
"Kathryn? You called me that earlier didn't you?" He nodded, she desperately tried to remember being called that before. "I'm sorry," She gave up, "I don't remember it." She flopped back.  
"Well let's try something else, where am I?"  
"Starship Voyager."   
"Starship?" She looked puzzled, "What do you mean?"  
"We set out from earth to explore other worlds in space, you're the ships Captain," Chakotay decided to leave the Delta quadrant out until later.  
"I'm the Captain?" She said in a disbelieving voice, "Of this thing?"   
"Yes," He nodded,   
"So what are you?" She asked him.  
"I'm your first officer, Chakotay."  
"Chakotay?" Kathryn repeated, a little jolt of recognition flared up inside her then faded away. "I, I think I've heard that name before but…no it's gone again." She felt defeated and slumped down, tears welling up in her eyes for the first time.  
"The doctor thinks you will get your memory back if you're surrounded by things that are personal to you," A small smile appeared on Kathryn's face.  
"And are you personal to me?"  
"I like to think so," Chakotay grinned back. "If you don't mind I will take you to your quarters."  
"Oh, okay, do you think that will help me remember?" Kathryn pulled herself up off the bed.  
"I certainly hope so," Chakotay placed a steadying hand on her arm and helped her walk.  
  
"I live here?" Kathryn asked in disbelief as she stepped into her quarters. "But it looks like no-one's been in it for months!"  
"They probably haven't," Chakotay joked leading her to the couch, "You are what's known as a workaholic, you generally sleep in your office or when the doctor catches you not sleeping you get locked in the medical bay."   
"I do?" Kathryn suddenly laughed for the first time since she had woken up, "Yes, I can imagine myself doing that." She traced along the couch with one finger. "I wish I could remember it." Chakotay knelt down in front of her.  
"Do you remember anything?" Kathryn frowned  
"It's a bit like a sense of déjà vu, like I've been here before but I can't remember when or how, it's driving me nuts." Kathryn looked around for a minute, "So you say I'm a workaholic, but what kind of work do I do? What's my job?"  
"You run all of this!" Chakotay gestured around him, her eyes widened.  
"All of it?" She looked a bit apprehensive, "I don't know if I want to remember anymore!"  
"You don't do it alone," Chakotay sat next to her, "Although I get the feeling you'd like to sometimes. You've got a whole crew helping you, you've turned us into one giant family where we used to just be people working together."  
"I did that?" Kathryn asked awe-struck, "Wow, I sound quite important."  
"You are, to all of us,"   
"So that's why it's important I remember, so I can carry on running the ship."   
"That and the fact you are a very dear a personal friend to all of us," Chakotay reassured her taking her hands. Kathryn stared off into a patch of space.  
"Who's that?" She asked standing up and picking up a photo from the side of the table. Chakotay looked at it.  
"That's Mark, I didn't know you still kept his photo there."  
"Mark?" Kathryn frowned hard, "I think I'm remembering something," Chakotay waited expectantly.  
"Something about…dogs?" She opened her eyes and looked up at him, "Golden dogs?"  
"You and Mark had a golden retriever." Chakotay told her, he felt unexpectedly sad that she had remembered the things she had with Mark before him.  
"And Mark was my…" She looked back at Chakotay, "What was Mark?"  
"He was your fiancé," Chakotay took the picture from her hands, "But he married someone else."   
"So why do I still have his photo?" Kathryn asked, "I can't still love him, can I?"  
"I don't think you do, I think you just keep it there to hold onto something from Earth."   
"Earth! That's right!" Kathryn looked excited, "I come from Earth don't I! We came away in this ship but something happened and then," She trailed off, "I've forgotten again." She suddenly looked infinitely sad. Chakotay took her shoulders and led her back down to the couch. She sat there in silence.  
"I keep getting images of things, of people, but it's like they're out of focus, I can't see them properly and when they're just about to come into focus they disappear." Chakotay held her tightly as her blue eyes filled with tears.  
"I wish I could remember you," She told him, "We're obviously very close, you know everything about me."  
"We are very close friends." Chakotay told her, feeling her warmth next to him.  
"Friends, is that all?" She looked puzzled, "I got the feeling we were something more."  
"We've had the chance to," Chakotay swallowed suddenly, his voice was becoming croaky, "To be something more, but we've never taken it up." Kathryn twisted away from him.  
"Can you stay with me tonight? I want to know everything about me, and you. I want to try to remember." Kathryn gazed at him hopefully, he found himself nodding.  
"Okay,"   
  
It was late, very late. Chakotay and Kathryn had abandoned the couch after a bottle of the wine Chakotay had produced, it had used to be Kathryn's favourite, he was hoping it might bring back some memories but now he was to pickled to notice whether she remembered or not.   
"So tell me again," Kathryn was hungry for information on her life, "Exactly why did I slap you round the face?" Chakotay told her and she rolled around the floor in laughter. Chakotay watched her in amazement, she stopped mid roll.  
"What?" She wiped the tears of mirth from her eyes and took another gulp of wine.  
"I've never seen you like this before."   
"Like what?" She giggled.  
"This," He indicated her messy hair and casual clothes, "You're usually so distanced and formal," Kathryn frowned at him.  
"Really?" She thought for a bit, then she looked back up at him, "I sound boring!" Chakotay laughed then tried to stop himself.  
"No you're not," He reassured her, "Just committed."   
"Same thing," She shrugged, Chakotay laughed uncontrollably.  
"Woah, How much of this stuff have we drunk?" he tipped up the bottle to his glass only to find it was completely empty.  
"I can see why I like it so much." Kathryn giggled again watching him trying vainly to get some more drink out of his glass. "Here have some of mine," She leant forward and put her glass to his lips then tipped it. She laughed as the wine trickled down his chin.   
"Have we ever done this before?" She asked non-commitedly after her laughter had stopped.   
"No, never," Chakotay told her wiping the wine stains from his uniform, "You don't go in for company much." He stopped as something unreadable flashed across her face. "What is it?" He scrambled to her side. Kathryn screwed up her face.  
"I don't know, it wasn't anything specific about the ship or anything but, I felt something."  
"What is it?" Chakotay asked urgently.  
"Loneliness," She said clearly, "I felt lonely, I feel lonely." Chakotay rocked back on his heels and studied her.  
"Are you sure?"  
"I'm sure," She nodded, she looked up at him confused. "Why am I lonely? I have you, I have all those people."   
"I don't know," Chakotay told her honestly. Meanwhile inside him his mind went into turmoil, Kathryn was lonely? Kathryn yawned loudly.  
"Ooops! She grinned, "Think it's bedtime!" Chakotay silently helped her get to her feet and took her to her bed, she clambered into it. Chakotay turned to leave.  
"Chakotay?" Her voice stopped him in his tracks, he turned round.  
"What is it?" He asked her softly.  
"Will you stay with me tonight?" Kathryn suddenly looked very small, "Sleep in here with me? You're the only thing I recognise and I don't want to be alone." Chakotay hesitated for a full minute before seeing the look on her face, he took of his boots and walked over, climbing into bed beside her. She snuggled up to him.  
"Thank you," She whispered, "I don't know why, but I'm scared of being alone." Chakotay put his arms around her and rested his face in her hair, she sighed contentedly and promptly fell asleep leaving Chakotay wide awake in the darkness. His mind spun, Kathryn lonely? Afraid of being alone? He wasn't sure if it was the bang on her head speaking or was it really Kathryn? Maybe she was trying to reach to him. He let go of the train of thought reluctantly as sleep overcame him.   



	2. Gained trust

Trust: Part 2  
  
  
Chakotay woke up the next morning alone, he got out of bed and searched for Kathryn. He found her sitting at the table reading through something.  
"What is it," She turned and looked at him, she was just wearing a bathrobe and her hair was in a plait soaking wet.  
"It's the Captains personal log, I was seeing if it made me remember anything."   
"Does it?" He asked her leaning over her shoulder.  
"No," She sighed, "It's just a load of mumbo jumbo about people and places I don't know, there's nothing actually personal in here!" She threw the padd on the table and sighed in exasperation, "I haven't recorded one thing about how I feel or anything like that at all, I'm starting to think that I'm just a cold fish." Her hands flew up to her temples, Chakotay grinned at the familiar gesture.  
"You're not," He reassured her, moving behind her to massage her shoulders. "You're a wonderfully kind compassionate women, you just have a little trouble communicating with the outside world." Kathryn tilted her head back as he pummelled her shoulder blades. "Do you remember anything at all yet?" He asked her. She tilted her head back further to look at him then spun round in her seat to face him.  
"Not specifically," She admitted, "I keep on seeing these images of places and people but I can't pin point where the place is or how I know these people. I just don't recognise any of it." Chakotay took her hand gently.  
"You will," He said softly, "It just takes time that's all, remember what the doctor said, just keep on trying." She smiled up at him.  
"Okay," She gave his hand a squeeze. Chakotay grinned. "What?" She asked cocking her head.  
"That's just like you, you never give up." She grinned back then stood up.  
"Well then Chakotay, it's about time I took more definite steps to remembering, where shall we go?" Chakotay thought a bit.  
"Bridge?" He suggested.  
"Lead on!" Kathryn grinned, then she looked down, "When I have a few more clothes on."   
  
Kathryn clutched Chakotay's arm tightly as they stepped into the busy working bridge. Everyone stopped and looked round as Kathryn stood completely still, frozen slightly by the unfamiliar surroundings, then she dragged up all her old strength and smiled bravely, her hands still clenched on Chakotay's arm. The tension broken everyone smiled back, Chakotay felt the blood supply draining from his arm and quickly manoeuvred Kathryn to where Tuvok had stood up.  
"Captain," Tuvok inclined his head towards her.  
"You're…" Kathryn glanced at Chakotay, "Tuvok, right?" Tuvok nodded.  
"That is correct Captain," Kathryn felt relieved and smiled a bit more freely, her grip relaxed slightly. Tom was gaping over from his section at the sight of Captain Janeway in casual black trousers and a beige jumper hanging on to Chakotay's arm as if she couldn't let go. Kathryn spotted him looking and looked back up towards Chakotay, suddenly unsure. Chakotay led her over to where Tom was sitting.  
"This is Tom Paris," Tom got over his initial shock and smiled warmly at Kathryn.  
"Tom, got it," She grinned back and turned towards where Harry was standing expectantly.  
"This is Harry Kim," Harry looked like he wanted her to say something, she thought rapidly.  
"The name…sounds familiar." She managed to come up with, Harry's face beamed and he looked very pleased with himself. Chakotay's arm had gone numb.  
"Well we're going to go into the ready room and see if we can find something there to resurrect Captain Janeway's memory." Everyone nodded and watched them leave, they heard chatter starting up behind them. The door to the ready room hissed shut. Chakotay extracted his arm and shook it to try and get some life back into it. Kathryn wandered and sat down on the couch, watching the stars.  
"You don't know your own strength!" He grumbled, feeling his fingers tingle as the blood rushed back into them.   
"Sorry," She looked round at him and smiled apologetically, Chakotay wondered if he'd ever seen her smile so much before today.   
"So did that help you?" Chakotay asked expectantly. Kathryn thought hard.  
"It was strange," She began slowly, "It was kind of like I'd seen it before in some far off dream, but some of the details were a bit foggy." She looked back up at him, "Weird huh!" Chakotay shook his head and sat down next to her.  
"What about this place," He indicated around him after a while.  
"What is it?" She gazed round.  
"Kind of like your office, except you seem to live here most the time." Chakotay grinned. Kathryn stood up and walked round to the back of her desk, she picked up a few things off her desk.  
"What's this?" She held up a padd.  
"They're the reports you spend most of your life doing." Kathryn frowned and tried to understand it.  
"Is it in English?" She asked after a while, Chakotay laughed.  
"Yeah, it's just special Captain English." She nodded understandingly and placed it back down, she started going through her drawers.  
"Here's another photo of that Mark guy," She commented throwing a small picture on the table, she continued rummaging. "Look!" She held up another photo. "You're in this one!" Chakotay stood up and walked over to the desk leaning forward, he took the photo from Kathryn's hands.  
"I remember this!" He said laughingly, the picture was a whole group of them all bundling together in the mess hall, it had been one year to the day that they had been on Voyager and Neelix had decided it would raise moral to throw a big party. It had been his finest hour, the wine had flowed and nobody gave a toss what the food tasted like. Someone had found an old camera among their things and had managed to take a photo at the height of the evening. Tom and Harry were singing loudly, B'ellana was sneaking up on Tom and the rest of them were having a food fight, Chakotay had just squished a particularly big cake into Kathryn's face, she was covered in cream and laughing her head off. That had been the evening he had first fallen in love with her.   
"What's with all the food?" Kathryn touched a hand on his shoulder and he jumped a mile.  
"Pardon, what?" He asked startled.  
"In the picture, all the food." Kathryn leant over him and stared at the photo, "Is that me? I look a mess." Chakotay stared back down at the picture again,  
"We were all a bit drunk," He admitted, "It was a food fight, I think I came out looking worse than you."  
"Really?" She grinned at him, he grinned back.  
"Yeah, one thing you learn on this ship is never challenge you to a fight." Chakotay put his hand over the top of hers on his shoulder, "You never give up!" She laughed and took the photo from his hands.  
"Well I don't know why I kept this," She shook her head studying it, "It's not very flattering," She sneaked him a coy look, "You look good in it though!" She turned away before he could register the look in her eyes. Kathryn flung everything back into the drawer.  
"Well none of this is helping me so far, what else can I try?" she asked, Chakotay sighed.  
"The mess hall might help, Neelix would love to see you."   
  
They walked into the mess hall, Kathryn had decided not to hold onto Chakotay's arm after she had seen his bruises but he could see her fists curled into little balls with the white showing on her knuckles. Neelix made a beeline for them, Kathryn froze.  
"Is his face supposed to be that colour?" She hissed out of the side of her mouth. Chakotay bit back the urge to laugh.  
"Yes," He managed to hiss back before Neelix descended on them.  
"Captain! Chakotay!" Neelix beamed at them, he always looked as if the mere sight of his friends could brighten up his whole day. Kathryn looked a bit taken back at his enthusiasm but felt her heart warming towards him.  
"Hello, Neelix," She said hesitantly, Neelix's grin spread even further.  
"That's right!" He shot a quick look at Chakotay, "I heard, of course, about your unfortunate condition so I took the liberty of preparing some of your favourite foods, I thought maybe that would help jog your memory?"   
"That was very kind," Kathryn said warmly, allowing herself to be led towards where an enormous selection of food was waiting.  
  
Half an hour later Neelix was still trying to tempt them with food, Kathryn felt as if she was about to burst.  
"Thank you," She smiled for the umpteenth time as another dish was placed in front of her. Chakotay watched her in amusement.  
"You could just tell him no thanks you know," He watched as she toyed with a forkful of food before putting it in her mouth then grimacing.  
"I don't think I could be mean to him." She stared down at the mass of food on her table. "Though if he was less nice I would swear he was trying to poison all of us."  
"Your taste-buds get used to it after a while." Chakotay looked at his own plate and shuddered, "A LONG while," Kathryn tried another mouthful and nearly spat it out.  
"I think I might be to tired to continue any more," She admitted to Chakotay pushing her plate away.  
"I think you might," Chakotay did the same and stood up to help her,   
"Neelix!" He called as they walked towards the door, "Captain Janeway is feeling a bit tired, we're going to go now." Neelix nodded and waved with a big ear to ear grin. Chakotay and Kathryn walked out and looked at each other, their faces dissolving into huge grins. Chakotay watched Kathryn as they walked down the corridor to the turbo-lift, she was more alive and animated than he had ever seen her before, she was like a child learning new things. He had seen glimpses of her excitement and curiosity before but had never realised just how much she had to squash down in order to run the ship properly. Chakotay began to see just how many of the things about Kathryn that he took for granted- her sensibility, her ability to think things through, her cool-head,- were all an act, part of being Captain.   
  
Later that evening Kathryn and Chakotay sat together on the couch, she was lying full length on it with her head resting on Chakotay's lap, he was playing idly with her hair and telling her stories about their life on voyager together. She remained silent through it all, content just to listen.  
"What about love?" She asked after a silence, "Have I loved anybody since I came on board this ship. Chakotay mulled the question over in his mind, brushing the tips of her hair against his fingertips.  
"I don't think so," He admitted after a while.  
"What about you?" Kathryn turned on her front to face him, her loose hair fell across her face. "Did I ever love you?" Chakotay felt his heart start to beat faster.  
"One time I thought you did," He told her truthfully staring off out of a window, "But, no, I don't know if you do," He turned back to face her, she stared at him for a long while.  
"Do you love me?" Her question was soft and simple, her hand rested on his leg. Chakotay looked her in the eyes for a long while before turning his head away.  
"I can't answer that,"  
"Why not," Her blue eyes bored into him.  
"Because one day soon you are going to get your memory back, and then you are going to be so embarrassed about this conversation. My answer will only complicate things." Chakotay told her truthfully, Kathryn noticed he hadn't hinted at yes or no.  
"Okay then," She let it drop and slid her hand off of his leg. They sat companionably for a while.  
"Do you think I will get my memory back?" Kathryn settled her head back down on Chakotay's lap, he starting stroking the back of her head.  
"I don't know," He answered honestly.  
"What if I don't?" Kathryn was glad the back of her head was towards Chakotay's as her lower lip trembled. "What if I stay like this?"  
"I'll look after you and help you," Chakotay answered without any doubt in his mind.   
"What about the ship? Who'll run that?" Kathryn asked.  
"I will," Chakotay answered assuredly.  
"How will you have time? Don't be silly," Kathryn sat up again and turned towards him, "I'll just have to learn won't I? I had to learn once, I can do it again." Her voice sounded more sure than she felt. They sat in silence for a while. Then Kathryn looked Chakotay full in the face again.  
"Just promise me something," Kathryn's voice gained a sense of urgency and her hand snapped out and gripped his, Chakotay just looked at her. "Promise me, if I do get my memory back, that you won't let me stay like I was, don't let me be lonely again." Chakotay nodded, a lump came to his throat and he swallowed hard to get rid of it.  
"I promise," His voice was croaky and he tried desperately to clear it, Kathryn looked relieved and smiled again then she stood up.  
"I'm going to go to bed."  
"Do you want me to come with you?" Kathryn looked unsure and hesitated.  
"No," She said doubtfully, she looked him full in the face, "I'd better start getting used to the way things are going to be nowadays." Chakotay nodded and watched her walk out of the room, then she hesitated and turned back to him.  
"Chakotay? Thank you,"  
"For what?" He looked confused.  
"Everything," She looked down at her feet, "For looking after me, for not giving up, for reassuring me," She looked back up again and smiled, "Just thank you," Chakotay didn't say anything, he didn't think he could hold in his emotions any longer. He just heard her leave then rolled over to sleep on the couch.   
  
Chakotay woke up to the aroma of coffee, he rolled back over and blinked wearily. Kathryn was walking around the room carrying a mug.  
"Oh hi! You're up!" She turned towards him and indicated the mug, "I woke up this morning and suddenly thought 'coffee' I wasn't even sure if it existed so I asked the computer and I got this stuff." She sniffed it tentatively, "Do I like this?" Her face frowned. Chakotay laughed and tried to ease out the crick in his neck.  
"You love it!" He got up and stretched, "You live on the stuff."   
"Really!" Kathryn wrinkled her nose and stared at the cup for a while, "Don't know why!" She admitted after a while, setting the mug down. "You don't have to stay with me today," She told Chakotay as he was tidying up the couch. "I want some time to myself, to figure out my head." Chakotay paused and turned to look at her.  
"Are you sure?" He raised an eyebrow, she nodded convincingly.  
"I'm sure," Chakotay decided not to push and turned to leave.  
"Chakotay," Kathryn's voice stopped him mid stride, she suddenly looked unsure, "You will come back and see me though won't you?" Her face was like a child's. He smiled reassuringly.  
"I will, I promise," Kathryn looked relieved and watched him leave without any further comments.   
  
Chakotay entered Bridge, he felt better after a shower and a change of uniform, but he found himself continually worrying about Kathryn. It was quiet on bridge and his mind was free to roam wherever it pleased. Chakotay sat all morning just thinking about Kathryn, he wondered if she would get her memory back, it was strange to him seeing the strong independent woman he had known for so long suddenly becoming so dependent. But he also thought, (and heaven help him if Captain Janeway ever found this out) that it was teaching him things about Kathryn he had never realised before, that deep under the tough exterior she still craved love, she still got scared, and she still had that natural curiosity. He knew that whether she got her memory back or not he would always fulfil his promise.  
  
Kathryn sat looking yet again at the Captains personal log, some of the things were sounding more familiar or was that just she was reading the same thing twice? She was starting to feel exasperated, here she was, apparently a very clever women, the captain of a star ship and her own name sounded unfamiliar.   
Captains personal log:  
The bridge was surprisingly uneventful today, I find myself wishing for something, anything even, to happen. Even a borg cube would be a welcome distraction from the tedious tasks at hand. But there's still a ship to run and a crew to keep happy, it has now been almost two years since we entered the delta quadrant and the crew has grown and developed in ways I could never have imagined, it is truly inspiring.  
  
Kathryn screamed in frustration and slammed her hands down on the padd, it was the crew, always the crew. She never seemed to write about herself or Chakotay. Kathryn wished she knew more about Chakotay, what the boundaries between them both were, some explanation for the unbelievable chemistry between them both. Her attention was drawn back to the padd, there was something new up on there that she hadn't noticed there before, it had been to cleverly and deeply hidden beforehand but her angry hand had driven it out of it's hiding place. She began to read.  
Captains personal log, supplemental:  
I caught myself looking at Chakotay again today, sometimes I think he will look over and catch me gaping at him, I wonder if he hears my heart beating from over the side of him. Sometimes it's all I can do not to just tell him, to blurt out what I'm feeling, that's it's him, it's always been him. I still keep Marks photo in my quarters, I use it to remind me, even though Mark has been far from my thoughts for a long time it still reminds me, there's life beyond Chakotay and I mustn't let my love for him get in the way of my dedication to Voyager. It's still hard though, I'm still a person, I still need to be loved but somehow I manage to push them all down, far down. One day I know it's going to all break out and I'm going to scream and scream at the top of my voice for Chakotay, begging him to take me in his arms and protect me, but for I now I have to struggle through alone, I feel naked and vulnerable, I wish someone would come and make me feel safe.  
  
Kathryn stared at the entry for a long time, she knew why she had hidden it away, if Chakotay found out about her love for him it would ruin everything. She remembered staring at him, just always staring. Suddenly she stopped and a hand flew to her mouth. She remembered! Kathryn suddenly felt all her memories and knowledge returning to her, it was like all her life was being crammed back into her head at once. She was Captain Kathryn Janeway of the ship Voyager, they had left Earth and had been trapped in the delta quadrant and were now trying to find a way home. Kathryn jumped out of her seat and had to fight the urge to laugh and scream with delight. Then all of a sudden she groaned and dropped back into her seat, covering her face with her hands. What had she done? She had been flirting with Chakotay! She had asked him if he loved her, oh god! She would have laughed if it hadn't of been so embarrassing. She took a deep breath and squared her shoulders, she would just have to face him, she couldn't hide, as much as she wanted to.  
  
Captain Janeway walked through the door into bridge, Chakotay immediately stood up to meet her, concern written across his face, he looked puzzled at her uniform which was back on again.  
"It's okay Chakotay," Kathryn said softly, "I'm back," She couldn't read what flashed across his face. Was it relief? Disappointment? Whatever it was she forced herself to ignore it. The rest of the crew looked pleased to see her back and some even applauded as she walked to her seat. She felt a flush rising to her cheeks and smiled back, Chakotay made room for her and their eyes met as she sat down, she quickly composed herself.  
"Well I'd better see what you've been doing to my ship in my absence then!" She joked quickly to cover up the uncomfortable atmosphere. Everything went back to normal in an instance apart from a slight subtle change in the relationship between Kathryn and Chakotay, Kathryn avoided Chakotay's eyes and shifted every conversation away from the subject of her amnesia. By the end of the day it was obvious to just about everyone that something was wrong. Kathryn found herself thankfully immersed in the huge backlog of work that had built up since her absence and Chakotay simply waited, biding his time until his shift finished and he left.   
"Captain… captain?" Kathryn looked up from her report at Tuvok who was standing watching her with an eyebrow raised.  
"Sorry Tuvok, what is it?" She asked making a mental note to pay more attention before they packed her back to the medical bay again.  
"Your shift finished ten minutes ago," Kathryn raised her eyebrows in surprise and glanced at her clock.  
"Oh yes!" She stood up and stretched, "I'll be in my ready room if anyone wants me," She walked out, smiling at Harry who was making an extra special effort to be helpful.  
  
An hour later Chakotay hesitated outside the door of Kathryn's ready room, he kept putting his hand up to hit the doorbell but then changed his mind, he hesitated again, unsure of what to do when the door opened and Kathryn nearly walked straight into him.   
"Chakotay!" She looked surprised and moved back a step. "What is it?" Chakotay hovered uncomfortably.  
"I was wondering if we could, talk," Kathryn looked wary but agreed, stepping back to let him walk into her ready room, she followed behind him and seated herself at her desk, Chakotay positioned himself on the other side and cleared his throat. Kathryn waited, her blue eyes watched him as he shifted from side to side.  
"Do you really think you should be working so soon?" He said eventually.  
"I'll be fine, thank you for your concern," Kathryn replied, Chakotay made no move to leave.  
"I made a promise to you last night," His soft voice wound it's way to her, he lifted his gaze from the floor until it met her eyes. "I intend to keep it," Kathryn felt her cheeks flushing and coughed to hide her confusion.  
"You don't have to worry about that!" She blurted out eventually, "It was just a bang on a head talking!" She talked quickly and lightly trying to throw off the events of the last few days.  
"I don't think it was," Chakotay wouldn't be thrown off, "I don't want you to be lonely," Kathryn looked back up at him.  
"I'm not lonely," She said without much conviction. Chakotay looked at her.  
"You asked me a question last night, do you still want me to answer it?" Kathryn hesitated, the answer was on the tip of her tongue. "I don't think you do," Chakotay continued, his brown eyes seeing right through to her soul. "Because I think you already know the answer." Kathryn stood up and walked from behind her desk to face Chakotay.  
"Chakotay…" She started, Chakotay caught her hand and lifted it up, his fingers intertwined with hers and they were suddenly irreversibly joined, dry palm connected to dry palm. Kathryn gazed down at their linked hands pressing together, Chakotay's other hand came up and tucked a loose strand of her hair back behind her ear. Then his hand rested against her cheek and she pressed against it's warmth, her eyes closed and she felt all her problems draining away from her. They stood, connected forever driven together by fate.  
  
end   



	3. Epilogue

Epilouge:  
  
Kathryn stepped into her quarters, everything seemed so quiet. Slowly she walked over to the table where her photograph of Mark was still standing, she picked it up and felt the familiar twinge of homesickness fading. She stood staring at the photo for a long time before slowly walking over towards a drawer and opening it, she raised the photo to her face and looked the still figure in the eyes. Then she slowly placed the photo face down in her drawer and shut it.  
  



End file.
